Talking

The Conch Shell Concept: 

When I was little, my parents introduced the concept of the conch shell to my siblings and I. While speaking at the dinner table, we passed around a physical conch shell. The person holding the shell was the only person allowed to talk. We would pass the shell around the table, giving everyone a chance to share and talk.

This helps to visualize turn taking during conversations.   

Tips for those who overtalk: 

1. Set a time limit on the conversation 

2. Conversations needs to go back and forth between both parties 

3. Adequate time given to other party to answer asked question 

4. When someone brings up a topic, try to react to their topic, without bringing up a relative story 

5. Try to feel out whether or not the other person is interested in the topic you are speaking of, if they are not interested, move on to their next topic, or one of your own that is not of the same type of topic 

6. Try recognize the different moods of your listener, are they excited? Happy? Sad? Bored? Anxious? Try adjusting your conversation based on their mood.  

7. Imagine yourself holding a conch shell, you may only talk when you are holding the conch shell. The conch shell increases its temperature while you are holding it rapidly, if you hold the shell too long it will burn your hands, so pass the shell to someone else and the temperature will reset and start to rise for them now. (This way everyone gets a chance to talk)

8. You and those you know will be less frustrated if you can master saying more with less. 

Extra tips for those who overtalk:

1. Speak only when you feel your words are better than silence.
2. Never speak to impress others
3. Write Write Write. Write whatever you want to say. You can filter out important things
4. Utter at the right moments. You can’t speak about football when people are discussing stock markets. If you don’t know about stock markets, be quiet.
5. Never speak to fill awkward silences or empty spaces unless it’s your crush
6. You speak less, you listen more and earn respect. You speak constantly, people will stop bothering you.
7. Start working on your goals, actions always speak louder than words
8. Speak to those who want to listen.
9. When you get into arguments. Stay quiet. Silence is the loudest scream during an argument.

In review, choose your words economically and people won’t take you for granted. 

Tips for all Speakers regardless if your speak too much or not:

1. Think before you speak
2. Have a point and after thinking about what you want to say practice keeping to that one simple subject
3. Engage a friend to help - tell them you need help focusing — have a safe word or phrase, e.g. “oh it’s raining”. Or they can just say “Stop rambling” Something that you recognize immediately and won’t cause embarrassment
4. Try to get to the point of your story or conversations. Make that your goal.
5. The catch phrase: Be mindful

Examples of Overtalkers: 

•  One topic of conversation reminds them of Thing A, which leads to Thing B, and then to Thing C. It only stops when they have to go do something, or if I tell them I need to go. 

Types of Overtalkers 

• Some people talk about themselves because they think they are more interesting than anyone else they know 
• Some people are overwhelmed by their own feelings and push them away by talking 

Why people talk too much  

1. They do it as a reaction to a stressful situation. Talking calms them down and allows them to process their thoughts and feelings. 
2. They do it because they need someone to listen to them or pay attention to them; they can’t get that need met elsewhere. 
3. They do it as a way to control the conversation and dominate the people in the room. 
4. They have much to share and are excited to share their knowledge and experience with others. 

Tips for those who are talking to overtalkers 

• Listen, but not for too long, try to figure out what this person is trying to communicate.  

• Do they wish to be admired? 

• Is it a thought they cannot get out of their head? 

• A feeling that they cannot manage? 

• After listening for awhile and formulating what they are trying to communicate, ask them if they would mind if you interrupt them 

• If they respond with “Let me just finish this thought”, you can say “Oh, I thought you had finished. Can I tell you what I heard you say?” 

• Some people will still have to say it in their own way, let them finish, but then interrupt them as soon as they move to something else 

• When you go to interrupt them, be ready to say something about what you heard them saying. Something simple, and to the point. If possible, something that reflects something positive about them.  

• If they start to talk over you, you can say “Wait, I’d like to finish my thought now”, then continue to say what you were going to say about them. 

• Assert yourself if they try to interrupt. Politely ask them to wait. You might say “I listened to you. Please give me a change to finish what I was saying” 

• Don’t stop with a comment about them, go ahead and add some experience of your own that will confirm that you understand what they’re experiencing. A memory of a similar event, a similar feeling, a funny story – anything that gives you a change to share your own experience that you can tie to theirs  

• Keep in mind that while telling a relative story, it should not drag out, but should get to the relative point in the story quickly so that the other speaker does not become bored 

• Stop the conversation when it goes too long, it’s not damaging to tell someone who you’ve been listening to for a long time that you’re really sorry, but you have work to do and you will have to continue this conversation later. 

• If the person comes back later to continue the conversation, just say “I’m sorry, I’m busy right now” 

• Don’t offer positive feedback. This will only encourage them to keep talking longer. Instead, don’t give any positive feedback like saying “Ahh” or nodding your head.  

• If none of these tricks worked, you might want to show them that you dislike the situation. Your body language together with your annoyed facial expression will show them that their speech is not welcome anymore.  

• Ask them to get to the point (suitable for friends and close people, not for work or acquaintances) 

• e.g. “I’m sorry, you’re losing me. Can you summarize what you’re trying to say?” 

• Indicate that you are short on time.  

• e.g. “I’d love to hear about your day, but I’m running late for an appointment. Can we start wrapping this up?” 

• Or “I only have 5 minutes to talk right now, then I really have to get going.” 

• Pull someone else into the conversation or change the subject. If you and your friend are in a group setting, one technique is to take away their sole audience – you. Engage with someone else in the group to signal to your friend that they have lost your interest.  

• Another option is to abruptly change the subject, this works best with an environmental stimulus such as “Oh, I love your hat! Did I tell you guys about the new hats I bought last weekend?” 

• Get lost in thought. If push comes to shove and you can’t seem to get away from a chatty cathy, use your imagination. Recall plot of your favorite movie or book. Review that new recipe for pancakes you read last night in your head.  

• Note that this option may be considered rude, but can be utilized if none of the others are working 

• Skip the criticisms. It’s true that your talkative friend may be selfish or narcissistic or insecure, but it won’t benefit the friendship to label them. Avoid criticisms and name-calling at all costs. 

• Tell them how you feel. If you want to maintain this friendship with your sanity intact, you will need to call attention to your friend’s bad communication habit. Speak up, gently. 

• Explain your issue with their chattiness by using “I” statements, which decrease the finger pointing 

• You may say “I’m feeling a bit frustrated. Each time we get together, I feel like I can never really get a word in. I’d really appreciate it if we could start having more give and take in our conversations.” 

• If in a work setting group, decide how much time each member gets to speak, and stop them mid-sentence if necessary. Say something like “Mary, You have brought up so many good ideas, Let’s pause for a moment and let William give some feedback 

• AVOID not saying anything. Bottling up unspoken frustrations is like planting land mines in the field of your relationship. One day, one of you is going to step in the wrong patch of dirt at the wrong time, and things will blow up. 

• If you are really close to the person, you may just be able to say “Oi, shut up now. You need to breathe”. Or “Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down! Haha” Close friends usually don’t mind the bluntness. It’s one of the beautiful aspects of a great friendship. Totally chill.

• Remember that sometimes a simple, “Please let me finish my thought” and then when they talk, ask if they are finished. It might help. Turn taking. It’s simple concept, but not if you didn’t grow up with it.  

• Reassure your friend that you like them and you need them to slow down and speak a little less because [state the reason you don’t want them speaking so much] Such as: 

• I can’t speak because you’re not pausing long enough. It makes me wonder if you care what I have to say. 

• Sometimes I like long silences. It bothers me when you fill all the time with chatting. Can we agree that you will try to only speak when you have something meaningful to say that you think I’d appreciate you sharing with me? 

• I care about you, but sometimes I feel like your therapist. I don’t want to be your therapist. If you’re really struggling with something, you need to find a professional to talk things through with. I am happy to commiserate with you for a few minutes, and I can offer advice or help if you need it, but then we need to move on. 

• If the above tips didn’t work, Keep talking at a normal tone and don’t stop, even if it means saying more than you wanted, eventually they stop, look at you  blankly, sometimes with their mouth slightly ajar. You should usually give the person a few chances in case they’re just excited or passionate, but after that you can do this.